This is not a post that I’m thrilled about writing. I debated NOT writing it but figured I may as well be honest. I guess that’s why I started this blog, though the perfectionist in me secretly hoped starting the blog would mean I would sail perfectly to my goal. That wishful thinking is hysterical to me in this moment. At least I can laugh at myself.

A family member recently told me they are not reading my blog, as it feels like reading my personal diary. I LOVE that! I want it to feel like that, and I’m choosing to publicly share my story so please DO read my diary. I love it when people comment and ask questions too!

As I have a pattern of avoiding issues, I initially was going to abandon my blog and just not write anymore. There are things that happened this week that I haven’t told anyone. I don’t know why it is easier for me to write this rather than tell someone in person, but it oddly is. While writing this, I felt a healing in my brain and heart and have been on track ever since. It’s like the black cloud that covered my head left and I feel like myself again.

Coach Kimberly Carroll talked about the ‘mind dump’ in her FREE Changemaker series. This technique is where you set a timer and write your thoughts as they come out. This is not meant to be written perfectly, it’s a tool to help process, to clear your mind and get out what might be cycling in your brain. What comes out might be non sensical and jump from topic to topic. Just put pen to paper and start writing! I think had I been doing this regularly, I may have been able to avoid the black cloud.

I wanted to share this weeks’ struggles as perhaps someone may recognize themselves in my story, see that we don’t have to stay in the binge cycle and hopefully I can normalize food addiction by talking about it so others feel safe to open up. A big part of addiction is shame and being in secret and I have personally found that sharing and opening up has been very healing. This blog has been very healing for me but other resources are support groups (in person or online), a trusted professional and/or family members/friends.

Let me be clear, anytime I go off track or on a binge it’s ALWAYS with vegan foods. I no longer look at animals as tasty, but this mindset didn’t happen overnight. In fact, it is why this blog exists! To attempt to explain how I can go from a dairy eating, steak loving person to the ethical vegan I am today. I wish that I would feel as strongly about not wanting to cause my own body harm but as long as it’s vegan, I will eat it, whether or not it is a healthful choice for my body!

About two weeks ago, I signed up for a plant based course that included weekly meetings with a coach. I didn’t feel like I needed any particular help, but thought the accountability and someone to talk to would be nice. This is a comprehensive course that would give me all the support needed to hit my goals and they make it really easy for you to follow their plan. The meal plans and course material are expertly laid out and all of the staff were helpful and friendly.

The reason I signed up for this course is that I wanted support to help ensure I stay on track for my goal, but also wanted a coach who understands how I eat. It’s nice to have a professional to talk to for support. In my experience, most professionals I have brought veganism up to have not been supportive of my decision to eat this way. Professional, non vegans who have zero or minimal nutrition training have told me I need to eat meat as though eating meat is the standard solution for all ailments. What a joke.

Not only was I both the unhealthiest and heaviest when I used to eat meat and dairy, no one said a peep about giving up the foods that were making me sick. I am still UNDOING the consequences of my old S.A.D. diet (Standard American Diet) and yet non vegan professionals are telling me to ADD animals back into my diet. Huh?! Like the only time professionals have something to say about my ‘diet’ is when I’m losing weight and regaining my health?

When I was unhealthy due to my heavy animal and processed food consumption, no professional ever told me to consider a whole plant food diet. In fact, my lingering ailments to this day are STILL residual from my old way of eating so it’s ironic the professionals in my life are suggesting I add back in the very foods that made me sick in the first place. Writing this paragraph, is reigniting my passion to carry on with my weight loss goal. While I fully love and accept my body as it is, I dislike that my body represents my old way of eating. I want to remove this obesity boulder off my back to achieve optimal health and be an inspiration to others. After all, if I’m a shining magnet for the vegan lifestyle, surely others will join me and the animals whose suffering I think about daily will benefit.

I’ve opened up to counsellors in the past about wanting to transition to veganism and was met with ‘you need meat to build muscle, you should at least eat organs or take organ supplements, your thyroid needs meat, vegans are elitist and unhealthy’ and more myths that are simply untrue. This has left me feeling like I cannot rely on any non vegan professional for help or advice. I do have a counsellor who I love and regularly talk to, but I have learnt that talking about veganism with her is not safe due to the fact it usually ends in something like ‘balance is ok’ and ‘your body needs meat’ and then in my own session, I get to spend my time JUSTIFYING my ethical stance instead of getting the help I need. I could go on. I have not arrived at veganism lightly. I didn’t completely overhaul my life and mindset just for fun without educating myself. Trust me, my addict brain would have preferred to stick my head in the sand and keep eating animals so it is beyond offensive to me the professionals in my life even suggest I eat meat. If anyone knows of a vegan psychologist that exists and is registered in Alberta to take online patients, please send a referral my way!

Anyways, I signed up for the course and was really excited. I made one of the breakfasts and loved it but then it went downhill from there. I made three new recipes during my Sunday meal prep and absolutely hated them all. This triggered for me the feelings I experienced in June 2020 when I tried to go vegan all at once which put me in a black hole of despair. I can handle one recipe being a disaster, but three in a row?! Come on! There’s nothing worse than shopping for ingredients and spending time cooking a meal only to discover it is better suited for the garbage than your belly. The waste of time and money and the fact that I had no meals landed me on the couch feeling both sorry for myself and like a failure.

No meals meant ordering takeout and to be honest, since I first tried vegan pizza back in January, things have been slipping. I’ve been a bit loose and have ate out more than I would like and vegan bakery treats have snuck back in my life to the point I’m now craving them and being in craving mode is a difficult state for an addict to be in. That said, these cravings are NOTHING compared to the dairy cravings I used to experience. I have a cheese relapse story from 2021 that I’ll share eventually and those cravings felt physical. These vegan junk food cravings are more mental and I don’t physically feel the craving sensation in my body.

I know it is my pattern to sign up for things and this is my way of making things easier. As though signing up for a course, will magically ensure I do not eat a dozen vegan baked goods. This course made me feel like a newbie, like ALL of the family food/staple items I was used to eating and cooking were off limits. My robot mode of cooking my staple meals was ripped away from me and everything became new overnight. I completely freaked out. All of the food was whole plant food and yet it was overwhelming because every single recipe for every single meal and snack of the day was new to me. As a food addict, if I can’t trust that these meals will be tasty enough to eat, then that means I am at risk of ordering takeout.

I think I have finally learnt that the ‘sage is not out there’ that the answer is within me. I just need to put into action what I already know. I’ve lost 70 lbs and have kept it off. Statistically, I have already beat the odds that are heavily against losing weight AND keeping it off.

While I can certainly take ideas from others and pay attention to the quality scientific body of research that exists, I ultimately have to put in the work and figure out what works for me, my budget, my time, my tastebuds, my cooking skills. This is the part that makes transitioning hard, figuring out what new staple recipes you like to make. Also, I’ve ALREADY DONE THIS WORK. I transitioned to vegan almost two years ago, we have a huge repertoire of foods we love to make. Why on earth would I go through that work all over again for a temporary meal plan?

This course wasn’t for me, I asked to be let out and they graciously let me out with no financial penalty. However, in the five days it took them to confirm I would receive a refund, I was living in anxiety on whether or not I would get my full money back and started to binge on some foods to self soothe and comfort. The more I comforted with foods, the more I craved those foods. I’ve been stuck in a fully aware cycle of binging and overeating. It’s actually worse to be in a binge and be fully aware of your own behavior and still feel like you cannot do anything to stop.

The funny thing is as addicts we lie to ourselves. While I was fully aware, before embarking on a binge, I would tell myself, this is it! This is the last binge! TOMMORROW I’ll get back on track. But then tomorrow came, I woke up feeling like absolute garbage from my binge and then chose to BINGE another day!! It’s a wild rollercoaster that you feel like you cannot get off of and each day that I carried on the binge, I made worse and worse decisions and the binges got bigger and bigger.

When I’m in a binge, while I am aware of what I’m doing, I also feel like I cannot stop. In the moment, I don’t really believe that I’m eating in order to self soothe my emotions. I tell myself I’m different, that I just crave bad foods because that’s who I am, but there’s always an underlying emotion. It’s just that I have to become aware of that emotion, give it the space and comfort it needs and actually deal with my emotions in healthy ways, instead of with food.

Binging for me is a constant state of making poor choices, masking my emotions with food by giving into cravings and bargaining with myself that this is the last time. Then comes in the depression and the shame, which make you want to binge more to soothe the feelings of hopelessness and despair.

And let me tell you, it’s NEVER ENOUGH. There is NO AMOUNT OF FOOD that can satisfy me. Binging is like trying to fill a black hole up with food. You will never fill it. It’s impossible. It will never be enough. Binging is not the solution but in the moment takes over every cell in my body that it feels like I cannot make a rationale choice. I think this is where the bargaining comes in – I’ll just have this one thing and then I’ll make a better choice. But then the ONE THING doesn’t fill the black hole so I tell myself, just one more thing and then I’ll be done. But then the black hole still isn’t full and I tell myself, I may as well eat ALL THE THINGS now before I can’t have them again. That and, I’ve already blown it so badly, what’s ONE MORE SLEEVE OF COOKIES.

As binge eater, this is why I love a whole plant food diet. Whole foods do not trigger this wild bingey mingey that exists in me. Bingey will ALWAYS be with me, but with whole foods she sleeps sweetly and life is peaceful. Also, eating whole foods is so low calorie, I can safely overeat if I wanted to. I do not do well with starvation and whole foods allow me to actually feel full. For example, 1 tbsp of oil is approximately 120 calories. That wouldn’t fill your belly up much, so it makes sense why we have the desire to eat MORE of the hyper-palatable foods to feel full. Conversely, 1 medium sized potato is about 110 calories and does a much better job at filling up your belly. This explains why with hyper-palatable foods, I literally have to overeat for my stomach receptors to feel full.

As a food addict, I think I can have just one, that THIS TIME will be different, but it’s a slippery slope to allow myself addictive foods and then cross my fingers that bingey will remain sleeping. Life is peaceful and easy when I am not dealing with cravings. That said, when I make self care a priority, regulate my nervous system and DEAL with emotions, the cravings don’t appear.

Our society is so interesting to me, always promoting balance. Just a little bit of the foods that make us sick is fine, as long as you eat balanced, it’s ok! Just a little bit of animal suffering is all good. You have to live after all! Would we give this advice to a heroin addict? Or someone who cuts themselves? Oh just a little bit of heroin is ok or as long as you cut yourself only a few times it’s ok. It’s all about balance!

To be clear, I’m actually not opposed to eating unhealthy foods. My concern with myself is that I’m eating unhealthy foods to AVOID dealing with my emotions and I’m displaying addict behavior surrounding the food. I have no issues splurging in a healthful and mindful way.

I’m going to give you my weekend run down of binging choices just to be fully transparent. I am ok now, I am back on track. Oddly after writing this blog post, my feelings of shame, guilt and hopelessness have dissipated. I feel empowered, hopeful and ready to move forward and since writing this, my cravings have disappeared.

This isn’t everything I ate, I’m just showcasing some highlights (or should I say lowlights). Needless to say, my belly was not feeling good. I also think that feeding the bad gut bacteria in my belly, causes the bad bacteria to scream at me and demand more of their sugary, fat laden foods. When my belly is filled with whole foods, I feel good and nourished and do not crave crap.

Friday – Drove to Panago and ordered a small pizza. Ate in secret in my car.

Saturday – After yoga, stopped at a local vegan bakery. Ate a sandwich at 9:30 am in my car on the way home along with a danish and a baked good that was more of a croissant crossed with a donut.

Sunday – Drove to Panago, ordered a medium pizza. Ate it all in secret in my car. As the pizza wasn’t enough, I then went to pick up a pint of vegan ice cream and a box of vegan cookies which I brought home to eat and promptly had them taken away by a family member, though I did negotiate to keep the ice cream for a few more bites and proceeded to eat as much as I could before it was taken away.

Binging and overeating is SNEAKY. It’s never really ONE THING that I can pinpoint as to why, but a series of things that occur. My most important takeaway for myself is to never miss twice. So if I eat out, get back on track THE NEXT MEAL. If I miss a workout, get back on track the next workout. It is important to keep my habits active as once I miss twice, it’s easier to keep missing and then I’m quickly out of the habit.

I also need to take care of myself. I have been feeling overwhelmed at work and a few late nights kept me from attending my regular yoga classes and before I knew it, I hadn’t been to yoga at all in two weeks.

Meditation is also something that needs to come back into my life so that my brain can process what happens each day and have a chance to clear. Last week, two ‘vegans’ told me their last concern was the animals and my heart shattered to hear that. I sat with the heartbreak of these statements for a few days and felt hopeless; if vegans don’t get it, then we are doomed. Then I remembered no ethical vegan would say the animals are their last priority. They must not know that veganism by definition is a social justice movement for the animals. They haven’t seen what I’ve seen. While it’s wonderful they eat vegan, their mindset hasn’t shifted yet and I pray that they keep making the full connection and join us in the fight. They are sooo close!!

I also believe that a person CAN join the social justice movement for the animals and still struggle with other issues that prevent them from fully being vegan or at least issues they need to work through before they can make the full transition to vegan. I certainly wasn’t able to go vegan overnight. I have non vegan people in my life who are allies to the movement. There are good people who are not fully vegan who do care about the suffering of animals on this planet and are doing the best they can with their current situation and knowledge they have.

I have also learnt that I need to ask for help from my family when I am feeling like this and I need to be specific in what it is I need and not expect my family to read my mind. For instance, this week, I wanted my family to ensure the meal planning and grocery shopping was taken care of but instead of speaking up, I silently stewed about it and carried on soothing my anger/resentments with food. Then my brain blamed my family members for my binges, which is SO NOT TRUE. It’s a super fun coping mechanism of mine to blame others for my actions so I don’t have to sit with the pain of what I did to myself.

My weigh in this week is laughable. I cannot fathom how I am down, except to say that my binge might catch up with me next week. Regardless, isn’t it interesting how we think all is lost, it’s hopeless, that we gained so much weight, but in reality, once the sodium clears from our system, we are left with the true impacts and it’s never as bad as we think. The key is to get back on track as quickly as possible and accept that some days we will splurge more than others, but fight to ensure it doesn’t turn into a daily pattern of splurges.

WEEKLY CHECK IN: -0.6 lbs | 30.8 lbs to goal

Some signs that I may be off track are not keeping the house tidy, skipping workouts, not going to yoga, eating out more frequently, watching more TV, not listening to music and incessantly following negative story lines in my mind.

I see now how much happened in the past two weeks. When I was in the binge cycle, I kept telling myself NOTHING was going on, I wasn’t stressed and there weren’t emotions I had to deal with and I see clearly now so much was going on. No wonder this epic binge happened. It’s worth mentioning that TRULY giving myself love, self compassion and acknowledging all my emotions and things that happened is when the black cloud left and the cravings instantly disappeared. I am human and my emotions deserve consideration, when I shove them down and ignore them, I am denying the part of me that needs help, comfort. Like I was already feeling bad enough and then I added hate and shame to the mix when I berated myself for the binges. If I haven’t made it clear, we must deal with our emotions and find healthy ways to soothe and comfort. Ignoring my emotions didn’t mean they went away. I just prolonged acknowledging and processing them. Ignoring emotions, kicked the door wide open for my old binging patterns to show up, hijack my brain and provide me with the false sense of comfort I was looking for.

Peace, love & plants,

Michelle 😊

p.s. My yoga instructor was talking about love in Saturday’s class and it hit me that love is the antidote for hate. When I am in binge mode, part of me hates myself, but the antidote to hate is love. Emma Lovewell says ‘you can’t hate yourself to change’ and isn’t that the truth. While I sometimes do not love the decisions I make, I DO love myself and it’s important to remind myself of that distinction.